Anorexic Man in a true routine/rut. And scared. *Warning, long post*.?

Hi guys. I post here now and again and it's usually the same old story, but I thought I'd be a bit more detailed here because I'm needing advice and assurance that I can in fact recover properly.



I'm 26 and male, and anorexic. I was in denial for a long time but recently came to accept it after seeing a clinical psychologist. I used to be very overweight throughout my childhood and up to my late teens, with problems with my pituitary forcing me onto hormonal injections daily in order to actually trigger puberty and grow. I believed that I'd never get to a normal weight and height but I did, which started my compulsive desire for lofty goals. These were anything from "Get into perfect college/uni", "Get my perfect job" to daft things like "complete the trip to point A in one minute." I actually achieved my major goals (I got into the best possible uni, got my degree, got a great job) and the psychologist states it has now left me without a major drive, meaning I have taken my desire to 'over achieve' internally - and associated it subconsciously with the first thing to trigger that mentality, my body.



I always have to "beat" the situps and pressups I did the day before - we're talking more than a thousand, each day. I always have to eat the exact same or one less calorie than the day before. This has lead me into a tough state - I'm about 172.5cm tall (5'7"-5'8") but my weight has plummeted to just under 100lbs.



Thing is, I still have a dismorphic view of my body and see nothing but fatty areas, and each day scrutinise myself tremendously thinking, "your cheeks are chubbier", "you can't see that ab any more, must be more fat now."



I HAD a strict eating regiment of eating 3 x 300 calorie meals per day, but at the point where I plateaued (96lbs), I started to gain again and I got depressed. This is when alcohol came into play.



I started having 2-3 cans of lager every night. Now, this doesn't sound like a huge amount whatsoever, but my small frame means it gets me very drunken to numb my thinking about my body for a the night. But, as we all know, alcohol has calories! So I started to offset my calorie intake during the day to 3x200 calorie meals.



Now, my daily diet looks a bit like this:



Morning:

Cup of tea, no milk - 0 kcal

Single Shredded Wheat - 80 kcal

Fat Free greek yoghurt, 100g - 50kcal

Mushrooms/celery - 30kcal



Afternoon

Subway Salad platter (Turkey/Turkey and Ham, no cheese, no dressing) - 120-140 kcal

Apple or Berries (Blueberries, Strawberries etc) - 50 kcal



Dinner



Tesco Italian Leaf salad - 18kcal

Pack of baby corn/asparagus/broccoli - 40kcal

Portabello mushroom - 160g - 20kcal



And, to go with it, up to 100kcals worth of white fish, tinned tuna, prawns or crabmeat.



For drinks, I only really have water or pepsi max.



Then, of course, I'll have my lager, we'll say 3 x 200 kcal cans.



NEW TOTAL : 1200 kcal (approx).



I thought perhaps adding the calories would make me gain weight initially, but it turns out it went the other way and after my plateau and regain to 105, with the alcohol I found my weight dropped again back to 95.



The other thing about alcohol is it gets you contemplating. And one thing I LIKE about it is, it makes me think, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" - it almost seems like anorexia is a reasoning-inhibitor and alcohol lets me push it aside briefly. What that does is give me a brief window of reasoning, whilst drunk, where I'll tell myself, "You've only had 1200 kcal. That's ridiculous for a man of your age. Eat something."



So, occasionally, before bed, I'll go ahead and have a bowl of cereal, or a couple of slices of toast. My anorexic mind stops me before I ever reach the "evil point" - 1500 kcals - but at least it gives me that window of chance to nourish myself the tiniest ebb more.



My diet and exercise-mad lifestyle combined with the ability only to reason against my anorexia when drunk, it's killing me - and I'm unsure where to go to help myself.



With Christmas coming up, and knowing how food-mad my family are, I don't know how I'll cope...Anorexic Man in a true routine/rut. And scared. *Warning, long post*.?
get in to see a psychologist right away. they can help you with many aspects of anorexia. they will weigh you each visit. make you keep a food journal. and possibly keep a regular journal as well so that you can keep tract of your feelings, and insecurities that may be triggers to your decrease in eating. also it is important not to initiate a 2nd problem while trying to solve the first. drop the drinking unless the dr says otherwise. get an appointment as soon as possible and good luck to you
You're psych is absolutely right about the need for perfection and desire to overachieve. Many anorexics end up as drug users/alcohol abusers. We have addictive personalities. On top of this, it's a nice escape isn't it?



However, you can only escape for a while. My advise to you- treatment center for ed's. Sounds like you really want help and are willing to work through all of your issues. This makes you a good candidate. The holidays are a trigger for us- I understand. But, you really would benefit from a treatment center, I think.Anorexic Man in a true routine/rut. And scared. *Warning, long post*.?
I'm sure I'm making this sound to easy, though I know it's not (I suffer from OCD and ADHD so I can relate) have you ever thought about flipping your "internal" goals around? It would be difficult I know TRUST ME I know, but instead of reducing one calorie per day try increasing by one per day, even if you know it's evil, make it your goal to be "evil". Dedicate to it as much as you dedicated to losing it. Set a goal to where you know for a fact healthy is.
Anorexia is a tricky disease. Like OCD, it causes your mind to seek order in the world. Things are perfect or evil. 1 less calorie. 1 more situp.



This mental order is completely fabricated and exists only in your mind. It is more than just overacheivement. It is the creation of order that placates your mind.



When you can accept that your mind is existing on a level completely separate from reality, you will see the food that is front of you instead of a chance at perfection or evil. As long as you see 1 less calorie as perfection you will never stop.



Welbutrin will help.