Anorexic Man in a true routine/rut. And scared. *Warning, long post*.?

Hi guys. I post here now and again and it's usually the same old story, but I thought I'd be a bit more detailed here because I'm needing advice and assurance that I can in fact recover properly.



I'm 26 and male, and anorexic. I was in denial for a long time but recently came to accept it after seeing a clinical psychologist. I used to be very overweight throughout my childhood and up to my late teens, with problems with my pituitary forcing me onto hormonal injections daily in order to actually trigger puberty and grow. I believed that I'd never get to a normal weight and height but I did, which started my compulsive desire for lofty goals. These were anything from "Get into perfect college/uni", "Get my perfect job" to daft things like "complete the trip to point A in one minute." I actually achieved my major goals (I got into the best possible uni, got my degree, got a great job) and the psychologist states it has now left me without a major drive, meaning I have taken my desire to 'over achieve' internally - and associated it subconsciously with the first thing to trigger that mentality, my body.



I always have to "beat" the situps and pressups I did the day before - we're talking more than a thousand, each day. I always have to eat the exact same or one less calorie than the day before. This has lead me into a tough state - I'm about 172.5cm tall (5'7"-5'8") but my weight has plummeted to just under 100lbs.



Thing is, I still have a dismorphic view of my body and see nothing but fatty areas, and each day scrutinise myself tremendously thinking, "your cheeks are chubbier", "you can't see that ab any more, must be more fat now."



I HAD a strict eating regiment of eating 3 x 300 calorie meals per day, but at the point where I plateaued (96lbs), I started to gain again and I got depressed. This is when alcohol came into play.



I started having 2-3 cans of lager every night. Now, this doesn't sound like a huge amount whatsoever, but my small frame means it gets me very drunken to numb my thinking about my body for a the night. But, as we all know, alcohol has calories! So I started to offset my calorie intake during the day to 3x200 calorie meals.



Now, my daily diet looks a bit like this:



Morning:

Cup of tea, no milk - 0 kcal

Single Shredded Wheat - 80 kcal

Fat Free greek yoghurt, 100g - 50kcal

Mushrooms/celery - 30kcal



Afternoon

Subway Salad platter (Turkey/Turkey and Ham, no cheese, no dressing) - 120-140 kcal

Apple or Berries (Blueberries, Strawberries etc) - 50 kcal



Dinner



Tesco Italian Leaf salad - 18kcal

Pack of baby corn/asparagus/broccoli - 40kcal

Portabello mushroom - 160g - 20kcal



And, to go with it, up to 100kcals worth of white fish, tinned tuna, prawns or crabmeat.



For drinks, I only really have water or pepsi max.



Then, of course, I'll have my lager, we'll say 3 x 200 kcal cans.



NEW TOTAL : 1200 kcal (approx).



I thought perhaps adding the calories would make me gain weight initially, but it turns out it went the other way and after my plateau and regain to 105, with the alcohol I found my weight dropped again back to 95.



The other thing about alcohol is it gets you contemplating. And one thing I LIKE about it is, it makes me think, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" - it almost seems like anorexia is a reasoning-inhibitor and alcohol lets me push it aside briefly. What that does is give me a brief window of reasoning, whilst drunk, where I'll tell myself, "You've only had 1200 kcal. That's ridiculous for a man of your age. Eat something."



So, occasionally, before bed, I'll go ahead and have a bowl of cereal, or a couple of slices of toast. My anorexic mind stops me before I ever reach the "evil point" - 1500 kcals - but at least it gives me that window of chance to nourish myself the tiniest ebb more.



My diet and exercise-mad lifestyle combined with the ability only to reason against my anorexia when drunk, it's killing me - and I'm unsure where to go to help myself.



With Christmas coming up, and knowing how food-mad my family are, I don't know how I'll cope...Anorexic Man in a true routine/rut. And scared. *Warning, long post*.?
I can sympathize. During a bout of depression, I simply no longer had the will or interest in food. I went from a healthy 5'11" 175 lbs healthy robust adult just out of the military, to a 120 Lbs with no drive or ambition.

I simply had to sit down and figure out who I wanted to be and how I wanted to look. I wanted an attractive body (not a pile of bones pasted with pale skin). I also wanted the energy to live life.

I started eating slowly and exercised seriously. I now have the body I want and I am now slimmer than I was in the Army, yet the same weight and more muscular. I love the energy I have. I also came to realize that if I wanted someone special in my life, I had to be happy with myself or no relationship I was in would be healthy.

It comes down to soul searching and education and knowledge about my own body.

Define your goals, short and long term. Figure out how you want to look. Those with body dysmorphia are never happy with how they look, yet they never take the time to establish how they want to look. Change your view from "I hate how I look" to "how do I want to look". Finally educate yourself on how to achieve this level of health. It's ok to dive into something and focus your drive into your diet. Now just change this drive to a new goal, the new you.